From the Front Lines

I write this post from the cockpit of my Volvo which takes me around the country so often to see cigar shops. I've bonded with this car. I have many great memories in this car. It was our "family car" before we had a family car, taking our youngest son home from the hospital when he was born.

I have coffee and a cigar. My mind therefore can function.

I am, admittedly, a little scattered right now. My wife's brave, unexpected fight with cancer has taken her today to the operating room where she will undergo a massive procedure to remove her breast tumor, which she has named "Claude", and hopefully allow her to move on with her continuing happy, healthy life.

Every single thing in the universe points to the fact that everything is going to be okay. However, I could not shake the emotions when I kissed her on the forehead before the doctors rolled her into anesthesia about an hour ago.

I'm learning very quickly that you never know someone's true value until you look losing them square in the face. Oh, that is not something that is ever been discussed or even on the table with her illness. However the mind does wander, especially when you're a control freak like myself.

I am utterly helpless in the face of Life, death, and the grace of God.

The fact of the matter is, as we talk about living non-disposable, the most valuable things in our lives are the people with whom we surround ourselves. The ideas of sickness and pain strip us of our false impressions of self, and only expose our innate human selfishness.

Watching my wife bravely fight inspires me to live for that which is important. The day-to-day living with those whom we love, I believe, should drive us, no, propel us to be greater, to be smarter, and to be non-disposable ourselves. 

Each and every single waking moment.

This journey is an unexpected one. It is the unexpected which changes us the most.

Strength and the Non-Disposable

On September 23rd, 1999 I pulled off the ballsiest act I have ever imagined.

There I was, 19 year old fashion-tragic and overweight. Complete the look with bug eyed glasses, sideburns, and cargo pants that just said "still recovering from grunge" I went for it. Underneath the tree in a park near our college campus, next to the redhead of my dreams, while at the time we were just friends, I went for it and kissed her.

She kissed me back.

We've been together ever since.

 Since then, we've made money, and lost money. We rented apartments, and bought houses. We've changed jobs, and raised children.

And while all of that was well and good, and granted, I know that it's rare for a couple to get married these days at 21 years old and still be together 13 years later, but all of the things that we have done to me seem pretty normal. That is, what we have done is what a married couple should do in terms of life experience.

My wife is a beautiful, intelligent, Ozark Mountain redhead. Naturally this means that she wants to kill me 90% of the time.

And all of that is why I have put off this post for quite a while knowing that it had to come.

As of about two weeks ago, we found out that my wife has breast cancer.

At 34 years old, with no family history whatsoever my wife has breast cancer. It's still tough to say, or look at the phrase.

I never really realized how weird people get when it comes to cancer. Many people are just fine, and very supportive and we deeply appreciate that. There are also the ones who give you the wispy "we'll always remember you" look at every opportunity. It's simply bizarre. There is no countdown on my wife.

I was having a very interesting conversation recently with a work contact who I consider a friend, regarding this concept of life being non-disposable. He referred to it as living for the eternal. He also considered it a real, true mark of a man. We were both remarking about how you never know how life takes one occurrence to better you for the next, and with Nikki's cancer I believe this to be true. Six months ago I started thinking about living non-disposable, not really knowing where it was going to go or why I found this appealing. However, now as I look at my beautiful bride who's about to go through the toughest fight of her entire life, I know exactly why I was perhaps even led to begin thinking this way.

Because she needs it. My entire family needs it.

I have been selfish. I have been braggadocious. I have been haughty. I have been detached. All in the chase for quick fixes, and short term wins.

Now, as I look into the beautiful blue eyes of my fighter redhead, I see every reason in the world to think about the eternal for she and my boys. Not because the end is near, rather, the exact opposite. We are just at the beginning, of something quite spectacular.

Nikki is going to defeat cancer with positivity and our shared sense of humor. When we're done, who knows where she's going to go.

I know however the future is bright, and for that future, I choose to live.